Okay so um I wanted to post a playlist tonight but nah. I wanted to post a survival guide because I watched This Is Us awhile ago but nahhh.
Okay wait, back story. My cousin and I watched This Is Us awhile ago. Around 12:15 we were already in the cinema and I had this feeling. I was nervous but I didn’t know why. Then minutes later, my mom texted my cousin since I left my phone. She said my grandfather passed away. And fuck I was like “Shit what do we do?” and I was literally having a panic attack right before the movie because I was fucking torn between leaving the cinema and going to the family house to just say goodbye and staying there to watch the movie. But it was too late, I guess. We asked my mom what to do and she said to stay and finish the movie. And my cousin and I were like okay. So yeah we watched the movie.
Another back story. This one is the creepy part. Yesterday my cousin went here to hang and stuff. She was making kwento about my grandfather who was already weak. Technically, they knew the “deadline” was near. Suddenly, I had goosebumps.
I recalled the last “major” death of the family. It was 9 years ago. My great grandmother. But of course she died because of cancer so I recalled my other Lolo who died 10 years ago also because of diabetes. My cousin JJ, was 16 when he died. Her younger sister was 15. The youngest in the family that time was me and my cousin (the one who watched This Is Us with me) we were 5 and 6, respectively. Back to present time, I am already 15. My cousin is 16. One of the youngest in the family is my Jj’s child, is already 6. Coincidence? I think not.
Another story that also happened last night, I went online and when I was scrolling down I saw the story of Billie Joe Armstrong; when he wrote “Wake Me Up When September Ends”. The vocalist of Green Day. Apparently his father died September 1, 1982. At that point, I was already freaking out. I immediately logged out from Facebook and just watched Teen Wolf. Just before I played Episode 2, there was this rooster from my neighbor’s house who made “tilaok” (wtf I don’t know how to explain but the animal made it’s sound okay) and it made that sound twice. I don’t usually freak out when they do that but it was 12 midnight. Roosters/chickens don’t do that? They usually make “tilaok” during dawn. And yeah I was about to pee in my pants that time, so I decided to go to bed. I was just being paranoid.
When I was in bed like it was already 1 in the morning, there were 2 ambulances that passed by and I was like shit? another sign? So yeah I was so scared I decided to sleep and just forget everything I thought that day.
And then, boom. It happened. I don’t really know if that was a sign from my grandfather that he was going “home” today. But I have a feeling, it was because probably he knew I believed in signs. So he made sure he said goodbye through signs (that may or may have not freaked me out a bit)
To be honest, I’m not that close to my grandfather. I don’t know why tho. One of the regrets I will always have in life is that I didn’t even say “I love you” to him once. I never said “goodbye”, not even when I come and visit them. No wait, maybe I have but it was a long time ago… but still. When I look back on what I have done in the future, I know that would be included in my regrets in life.
So Tatay, wherever you are right now, I just want to say that I love you. I really do. Obviously, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. So I owe you an awful whole lot for giving life to my mom and somehow to me. I’m sorry I never said goodbye. I’m sorry we weren’t that close when I was growing up. I hope you forgive me. I’ll miss you though. Your “Laki laki mo na” line whenever you see me and whenever my dad’s around (during Christmas) you would say to him “Lumalaki na siya” with a smile even though I was near.
Probably we have memories (like small talks) when I was younger that I couldn’t remember. But yeah, thanks for that too. Oh and Tatay, if it was you sending all those signs yesterday and last night, I’m still a little bit freaked out by it and I guess I would carry that for the rest of my life but thanks for making those. I was starting to not believe in signs anymore, but you changed that again. I guess if you didn’t give those signs, it would’ve been more emotional for me to accept that you went home today. We love you and we will miss you. See you again up there, soon. 🙂
May you rest in peace. ✌✞
“As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends”
[P.S I’m going to post the monthly playlist + other posts I have planned some time this week. Before I go I leave you with this saying “Live life for the moment because everything else is uncertain”]