That’s all, 2017

 

How do I even begin. FYI, I started writing this on the 30th of December, just right after midnight. I was editing the second draft of the you’re about to see at the end of this post. This is the last one for 2017, I guess. This could probably be a long post because I haven’t written for so long. Okay. Here goes nothing.

Have you ever had those bad mornings? Like you believed you were gonna have a bad day. Where everything just seemed wrong. Your alarm decided it won’t wake you up on time today so woke up late. Then you don’t even bother eating breakfast, you run to the shower, get dressed and come out of your house. You couldn’t find a ride so you get to your school just in time or a few minutes late? Then your professor starts the day with a surprise quiz or recitation and you know nothing? The day progresses and you just keep hating everything that’s happening. You start to believe in Murphy’s Law once again. You want to go home and sleep and swear to yourself you’ll do better tomorrow? But suddenly, just when before you enter your last class for the day, you find out your professor won’t be meeting your class for the day. So you come out of school and come home an hour early. The best part is that your favorite Youtuber has uploaded and you forget all the bad things you experienced earlier that day.

Well, my friend, I just described 2017 for you. So that’s it. See y’all in 2018! Lolz jk.

But yeah, that really was 2017. It started out so bad. January was literally one of the worst months I’ve had. I was starting to believe that I was one of the Boudelaire children from A Series of Unfortunate Events because it was that bad. The highlight of January was probably my last long graduation weekend of my college life. You see, January is graduation season for my school so they suspend classes around Friday and the students get a long weekend. I went to MNL with my mom, cousin and aunt. It was great because I left my problems at home. I had this conflict with Research groupings, I was put in the class with the terror teacher and I basically entered the wrong class for the first two weeks of school. HOW DUMB OF ME RIGHT DONT JUDGE ME.

Moving on, February. I don’t remember much of it but I was still getting over my stupidity and all the bad events that happened on January. I remember having this immersion thing for my class at a restaurant but it had to be cancelled because of a local tragedy that happened so CHED had to suspend all outside school activities.

March. This was the time I started my “hibernation”. I woke up one day, really tired from life in general, and decided that I wasn’t going to talk to anyone that doesn’t talk to me first. Not because I was petty, but because I was tired. I was tired of always being the first one to reach out to people to hang out, the first one to initiate the conversation, etc etc. I wanted people, my friends to be exact, to also give the effort I gave out. I just wanted to know if they still have a place in my life and if I still fit in theirs. It’s sad that I actually thought of this. I didn’t even think that they could actually be going through some shit that’s why they were too busy to talk to me. I just thought that we were drifting apart. And actually, we really were.

So what came out of this “hibernation”? It’s nice to be alone and lowkey. I have already explained what I did during this time on my previous post. But yeah. I learned to value “me time”. I started to invest more time in myself. This ~hiatus~ helped me to get back on my feet and I did intervals of this throughout the year.

Hibernation season ended around mid April. April was also the time I quit drinking coffee. It all started as a “panata” for Holy Week. Then, I started researching about the disadvantages of coffee and that’s how it progressed. The first 2 weeks were the most difficult. Mind you that I still had school and I had a 9am classes that time. I was suuuper grumpy. I was PMSing even if I was done PMSing. Ya feel. Anyway, I survived 4 months of no coffee intake. Until the birthday salubong of my friend, we decided to go to Krispy Kreme. I should have ordered a frappe but it was raining that night. So I decided to treat myself with a cup of cappucino. Even the cappucino said no. Maaan my face was tingling the whole night. I’m so glad I didn’t palpitate. From what I read it was because of caffeine desensitization or something like that.

Okay where was I? Oh right. May. Oh May. The first two weeks were hella stressful. I had to do 2 individual oral reports for 2 major subjects. ON THE SAME DAY. It was nerve-wracking. And I don’t remember much of that day because I was filled with anxiety I internally blacked out for the rest of that day. But hey, I survived.

June. Hay June. If you guys can recall, I didn’t really do short term this year because well first of all, no slots were given to me. Second of all, the last half of Junior year FINISHED ME. I needed a break. So there you go I got a break. Which I now slightly regret. But anyway, it’s not my fault because they didnt give me any subjects. Only to find out, there were plenty of slots during the enrollment period i wANT TO SCREAM. Anyway, everything happens for a reason.

All June I just stayed at home watching Youtube and got obssessed with 80’s and 90’s Filipino films and love teams. That’s when my dream of doing a movie with love teams who need to do a reunion project sparked.

July was the month I turned 19. This month started out pretty emotional for me. I was just really sad this month. Like 2016 sad. The type of sad you tell yourself to stop crying but you feel it deep down and before you know it a piece of your already beaten heart dissolves again and tears begin to fall and the cycle begins all over again. I don’t know dude but July has some serious issues with me since 2015. Why can’t I get a happy birth month? When can I get a happy birth month again? What did I do? Was it because instead of wishing for happiness to my birthday candles that I’ve blown, I wasted my wishes on material things? Not to mention temporary ones?

Sometimes, birthdays can just feel like normal days and that’s okay. Sometimes you just get to have humble birthdays to get you ready for those amazing, spectacular, over the top birthdays. You just don’t think of it yet at that moment but those kind of birthdays are still beautiful. It’s the simple, it’s normal. Those are the birthdays you’ll tend to forget but you should be grateful for them.

August was the month of hassle. Classes started and I loathed my schedule of the sem. It was my first time having a class that ended at 7:30. I am nocturnal but I ain’t meant for the graveyard shift in school. Anyway, when I got used to my 7:30 sched, it was a lot of fun. I remember one time during a typhoon, and classes were already suspended the day after, I stopped to look around before crossing the street. The night market people were still setting up and it was foggy. And the wind was really strong. I thought to myself, I kept complaining about my 7:30 class and my bad sched but some people have to quit school just for their families to eat. And some people have to keep working even if there was a typhoon approaching just so they can eat. The thought of me being ungrateful and unreasonable just struck me on the way home.

September was the prelude to a nightmare. Though there were times I was lucky to not have classes due to typhoons, GURL, thesis shookt me. I volunteered to reformat the questionnaire and ya girl, did it wrong. Not once, not twice, but 5 times. Until I finally gave up and delegated the task to another groupmate. Groupmate succeeded or so we thought. It was already signed by our adviser so we all just needed to sign the questionnaire so we could float. Lo and behold, groupmate #2’s name was not there. YA GURL had to find a way to insert her name without redoing the entire process of editing-printing-signing again. Life hack: School libraries have emergency school supplies. Just ask the front desk!!!

October was the introduction of the nightmare. But like, October gave me suuuper great memories I will cherish forever and ever. I went to MNL with my Adver groupmates to shoot our tourism ad. It was the worst best decision of the year. I named it #indieegg because who woulda thought I would survive MNL (on my own) like first time no parents, no fam members, just me and 5 other acquaintances who later on became mt friends. I know I owe this kwento but let’s just get over this event briefly. And when I say briefly, I meant by bullets because by now it’s 3am of the 31st and I have to be up by 7 later.

>Left at 11:45pm, Oct 28. Arrived 5:45, Oct 29. Only had 4 hours of sleep because I had 3 exams the day of the trip.

> Commuted the whole day as in bus, jeep, grab, uber huhu soliiiddd day

> almost lost groupmates

>Became the legit leader of the group I can’t even. I just wow I’m so glad my anxiety was chill the whole trip. I took over the whole group, as in I made sure they were okay and they were in a buddy system, and that I was at the back of the line every time we had to go and walk.

>Pooped at SM Aura. Ya gurl remembered there was no bidet so she had to use wet wipes. #TMI (BOUJEE PLACE BUT NO BIDET IM DISAPPOINTED)

> Went back an hour early like our ticket was  10pm, but we were allowed to leave at 9.

> Got home at around 3am and slept until 4pm.

>Sunflower Seeds by Bryce Vine was the song of this trip.

November was the real nightmare. I actually don’t know how I got out of this month alive but I somehow did. Academic stress was just consuming me alive. It was just a whirlwind of events. There wasn’t a routine this month, which was the real adventure. It was full of deadlines though so it still needed a schedule. The highlight was going to John Hay during my 2 hour break and going back to school. It burned my wallet but hey it was fun.

December. The final one. It was waking up from the nightmare. Deadlines were over. I went home tipsy for the first time ever. I also went home at 11:30, the latest I’ve ever stayed out with friends. We also won an award for Most Liked Video on the Internet for the Ad we were working on. This year, I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit, or any holiday spirit. Idk. This is just the new normal, I guess. This is what growing up really is. I felt like I’ve grown up so much this year I don’t even know who I am. I’m not even sure who’s the Erika typing now. So sooo much has changed but I didn’t feel it until now.

Okay update I’m writing this in the afternoon of the 31st. DUDE. DUUUDE. MY LAPTOP KEPT CRASHING BECAUSE OF VEGAS PRO. I JUST WANTED TO RENDER THE VIDEO.

Okay going back. Growing up. Yes. Wow. I just grew up this year. I conquered the fear of growing up and changing. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s a great thing. I’m so glad I did that. I also conquered lots of my fears. I’m so SHOOKT. That’s the right term. I don’t know how I did it, but I just did it.

2017 was probably the year I both took a step back yet I also took a step forward. It’s like being two places at once. (OOHHH A Walk To Remember reference!!!) It really was being lowkey and getting rid of the negativity that surrounded me. I fell in love with the quote “If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” MY FACE CLEARED OUT ONCE I DID THAT. (well probs tnx to face masks) but still!!! That was what I wanted to actually feel good inside and out.

In 2017, I had to accept that life really is that way and you just have to brace yourself for whatever impact because you won’t know where you’ll land. Life is strange, it’s beautiful sometimes. It gets really tiring, but once you just accept that life really is like that, you’ll just stop controlling things. I learned how to let the moment go, where the moment goes. As in, I just went with the flow. There wasn’t a map this year nor a list to be ticked off. I just went with it to be honest. And for once, it was a great feeling. Greater that following a list and restricting myself with goals to follow.

My wish for the past years were “I hope in 2014/5/6/7, you find what you’re looking for”. It’s 2018 tomorrow, and you know what I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been looking for years. Let’s go back to good ole HIMYM. “You just have to be in the right time, at the right place”. In 2018, I wish to be in the right time, at the right place. I wish 2018 will just bring me the good things I deserve. I wish 2018 brings peace, blessings, love and happiness.

2017 made me a lot kinder. I was woke fam. I was woke and saw so many problems in the world. I felt so helpless throughout 2017 because I couldn’t help the people who were struck by calamities and tragedies. It was so heartbreaking to see so many innocent people in the world suffer. HAY. I guess what made me so tired this year was because I gave my 100% effort to help out people. Like my groupmates and friends etc. Because I wanted to show them kindness so they would show kindness to others as well. Instead of complaining and creating more negativity, I chose to be that way this year. Even if I was really reaaally tired. I still tried to help others. Also, not to be mayabang and narcissistic but I also did some random acts of kindness along the way. Not because I wanted to get something back in return, I just really wanted to keep giving. I have enough for me and yeah.

I learned in 2017 to forgive more. Forgive people even if you didn’t get the apology you deserved. Just forgive and all will be well.

This year, I also learned to be patient with people. I dealt with different types of people. Patience and understanding is key my friends. I’m so shocked I didn’t scream at anyone this year.

As much as I want this year to end, my gosh I really want this year to end, I… I’m just scared right now and really anxious of 2018. I know I said this this time last year and look at me now, I survived 2017. But I don’t know. I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year. For a moment, I just want to be with 2017 now and all of the good things it has given me, the good people I’ve met. The spotlight it has given me. But I’m leaving all the pain you have given me, all the doubts and negativity. All the hassle moments.

If I were to describe 2017 in 3 words it would be: SHOOKT, Simple, Surreal. The tweets are true. 2017 was both the best and worst year. It wasn’t 2016 worse but like yeah. YA FEEL.

But before I the clock turns midnight and you leave I just want to thank you, 2017. You were difficult to understand, you were honest, you were mindblowing but you definitely made me grow. You made me believe in myself for the first time in a long time, and you made me one tough cookie. Despite all the bad things, someday soon when I look back at 2017, I will be looking back with gratitude.

P.S. I told you even if I didn’t blog, I still documented this year in a different way.

2018, let me sparkle. I’m not quite ready but okay the clock will turn 12 no matter what. So ready when you are. 🚀

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope you get every good thing you’ll wish for.

ENDER14

 

Advertisements

The Comeback

A tornado flew around my room and I got transported to the Land of Oz. I met new friends and defeated The Wicked Witch of the East and returned safely back home. And that sounds just like the plot of The Wizard of Oz but come to think of it also sounds like my senior year in college.

Now that I got your attention, hello there friend, old friend, new friend, ex friend. Let me re-introduce myself. Hi I’m Erika and I started this blog when I was 13 because I was a wannabee blogger. This blog served as an outlet of mine during my early teen years, exposing my awkward moments with my high school crushes and typical, cringy teenage musings.

Then it turned as an online journal a few years later, where I documented my monthly favorites and continually updated my monthly playlists to remember songs. And then, this year the blog accumulated dust and cobwebs. I decided to hibernate. This “hibernation” started a few months back, around mid-March. If you scroll down a little, you can see that I already did a little hiatus around that time then came back around April. Anyway, I would really blame the amount workload I had at that time.

But there were more reasons why I needed that hibernation. I just didn’t do it on this blog, I literally did it in my personal life. I just became lowkey. YA FEEL. I didn’t post much on Twitter and Instagram, I didn’t talk much to my friends, I spent more time with myself. Like dude, I treated myself during my 3 hour breaks. If I didn’t have requirements to rush, I’d go out of school and treat myself to a frappe. But if I had some school work to do, I’d do it for an hour, nap for the remaining time and wake up around 15 minutes before my last class. 3 hour breaks became me time. And it helped a loooot. A LOT. Especially when you’re majoring in a business course which meant you had to socialize every subject. The introverted child in me got drained. That’s why I woke up one day super drained, and decided to just do that thing I did. HAHAHAHA. There ya go.

I don’t really owe an apology to myself, to my online self who runs this blog. Doing this hibernation shiznit, made my entire being a bit better as a person. I LITERALLY GOT A GRIP, FINALLY. And I had a clearer version of where I wanted to head to in life. This year might now be the least documented year of my life on this blog, but it was the most documented on film/photos and knowing that there was one less obligation for me to do (aka come up with a weekly post), helped me a lot. I focused on getting school work done and afterwards rewarded myself with a movie marathon or a vlog marathon hehez.

I just want to share a lot more but I just can’t expose myself as much as I want to because years from now, I will be cringing while reading this post. DUD. And yeah, that’s about it. I might be sharing a few events that happened around August-Early December but it would be on a different post, maybe on the year end post. Let’s see though.

That’s all. My point is to never forget to take a breather once in a while then when you’re ready for it, make your comeback. This is my comeback. It’s a bit lame but ugh idc at least I came back. HEYYY IM BACK LET THAT SINK IN. THIS IS THE REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE CHARLIE BROWN. Have a good Christmas, everyone.

ENDER14

Good times are gonna come now

Hello hello hello this is gon be a recap of what has happened to me for the past few weeks (including my birthday week) + a playlist 😉

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND //  Like I mentioned in my last post, I spent 3 days in Manila to celebrate my birthday. I had my Kenny Rogers fix, a dose of the food court at SM Aura and finally trying Tim Ho Wan (I get the hype for their pork buns now. I am one of them now who will continue to hype it up.)

I was quite lucky because most of the clothing stores I love were on sale. I ended up getting a few pieces and of course my new found love, Superga. I got another pair of Superga’s but this time it was the classic black pair. The first one that I got last January was in the pure Bordeaux color.  I was planning on investing already on a Pandora but I felt like it wasn’t time yet. Maybe in a few months hehez 😉

TYPHOON ADVENTURE // 2 typhoons hit my city on the last week of July. And it was intense. I even had to go out during the landfall of the most recent one because it was my nephew’s 7th birthday. Being wet is an understatement. I was soaked, shivering and just not the most happy camper. Though I love the rainy season, I just remembered how it’s gonna be such a hassle to get to Point A to Point B especially that I have to commute.

SENIOR YEAR  //   Okay I really don’t want to get into detail about the enrollment process that I went through a few days ago. I’m extra glad this would (hopefully) be the last 1st sem enrollment I’ll ever experience. At first, I only had 15 units out of the required 21 because Tax closed and according to some, apparently they only opened 2 classes out of the 5 that they were supposed to offer this sem. Anyway, I had to go back last Friday to get Tax. I was sooo nervous because I thought I wasn’t gonna get it but fortunately I did. (Para akong nabunutan ng tinik after seeing the pink withdrawal/adding form!!!) Surely, what is for you will not pass you 😉

My schedule this sem is messy as in solid but then again so is my life. I’m just really glad to get Tax and not having to worry about being delayed. I had to advance my Law 5 tho because the other Law subject that I was gonna get closed 🙂 But ugh okay anyway I’m just really grateful I got the max units this sem.

Anyway I cannot believe I’m already a senior. A COLLEGE SENIOR. Remember when I was just talking about being a senior high school wow (that’s documented on this blog check out my 2013 posts hahaha) Just yesterday, I accessed my high school portal and I’m shocked it still works and my ID number is stored on this laptop. I miss the kind of grades I used to get, maaan. I miss high school also but I don’t really wish to go back even though life was a lot simpler back then. Hahahaha. Gosh I hope I do well for this last full year. I was just talking to my friend last night and I was telling him na “Push lang ng push”. HAHAHAHA. I guess that’s the mantra, friends. “PUSH LANG NG PUSH”.

I don’t really know what to feel now I’m a senior. Umm ugh idk it’s still not sinking in!!! I’m pretty sure I’ll get the hang of college stress now because of all the battles I faced and battle scars I still have from my junior year.

MOVIE MARATHON //  Sharing you some of my faves from the movies I watched. Baby Driver was AAAHHH-mazing. Ansel Elgort plays Baby HAHAHA like the name fits him well. I also watched some 80’s and 90’s Pinoy movies, specifically the Sharon Cuneta and Gabby Concepcion movies, all 9 of them. I really do hope their reunion movie pushes through. If it doesn’t, I swear I will be the one to write, direct and produce their reunion movie. I also watched coming of age films during that era and gurl I was shooketh to the core. The movies that were released those times were just so raw, and it was so different because technology was so different. It makes you think how they survived without WIFI. Simpler timez, fosho.

In other news, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before is finally gonna be a movie!!! I’m still trying to love the cast but because Jenny Han is super hands-on, I’m just gonna trust her. I believe she’s doing everything she can to make her masterpiece still a masterpiece, only in film form.

 

AUGUST PLAYLIST //

Sunshine by POWERS

1000x by Jarryd James, BROODS

HUMBLE by Kendrick Lamar

Come What May by Lani Hall and Herb Alpert

Stay Alive by José Gonzalez

Young Blood by Noah Kahan

Pancakes by LANY

Super Far by LANY

Can’t Hide by Whethan, Ashe

Same Drugs by Chance the Rapper

Where It All Goes by lostboycrow

Glittering Lights by Martin Hall

Wouldn’t It Be Nice by Finn Matthews

Feels by Calvin Harris, Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry, Big Sean

Cash Out by Calvin Harris, ScHoolBoy Q, PARTYNEXTDOOR, DRAM

$150 / rolwiddit by Healy

The Lighthouse and The Whaler – Venice (Louis The Child Remix) by Orange Music + Others

Back To You by Louis Tomlinson, Bebe Rexha, Digital Farm Animals

Paper Hearts by The Vamps

Stay by The Vamps

My Place by The Vamps

Soap by Fox Wilde

Sweet Talk (Evan Gartner Remix) by ACADEMY, Quinn XCII

Close To You by Mia Gladstone

Drive (Stripped) by Glades

Rosie by John Mayer

 

That is aall xx

 

19; of initials, lessons and gratitude

In honor of turning 19, I think this would be a good send off to my 18 year old self. This was inspired by a video series on Twitter by someone for her 23rd birthday where she showed clips of people in her life and talked about her relationship with them + the lessons she got from them.

Here’s my spin on that series. Though there are a lot of bad in this world, I am overwhelmed because the universe has conspired me to meet the few of the good ones left. Here they are the 19 people who made their mark in my life. These are all of their initials because I want them to assume it’s them (para naman may thrill lolin)

(Listen to Stay Alive by José Gonzalez for this part for full effect.)

YD (2010), 

No matter where you end up, you’ll always be my reminder. A reminder of strength and courage. A reminder to always shock the world by standing in the middle of a storm. — I learned how to be brave amidst the bad things happening. 

💌

KC (2010),

I created a new drinking game for us. For every “no” you said and will say in the future, we’d take a shot. “No” makes me fight more to get the thing I want (i.e, harry styles) — Sometimes some ideas aren’t meant to come true. Accept it, no matter how cool it sounded.

💌

MD (2011),

You were there through thick and thin, through the ugliest and to the best eyebrows. I hope someday I also get to break someone’s shell in order for them to fly. — Encourage people to face their fears. Let them know that exhilarating feeling when they step out of their comfort zone.

💌

VD (2011), 

Choosing not to buy food after school has been our thing but conspiracy theories, Youtube videos and the desire of escaping really helped bury our rift in the past. — Forgive and forget. Better times are ahead.

💌

AR (2011),

Though we’re not as close as we were a few years ago, we remained good friends and updated each other whether it was about life or a good TV show. I hope I see the day when you no longer have to third wheel. (Hahahaha) – Third wheeling is alright. You get to know the do’s and don’ts on a relationship without having one. HAHAHAHAHA 1/2 jk 

💌

RP (2012), 

 Someday, if I find out that someone has a crush on me and I do not plan on reciprocating the feelings, I’ll still give them their High School Musical moment just like what you did for me. — Do nice, small gestures for others. They will remember you for it.

💌

BM (2012),

For being a strong willed lady like you, I now know why we fought plenty of times back in the day. The power of peksman should never be broken. — Keep your word to keep the friendship.

💌

KA (2012),

On monotonous days, your crazy adventures serve as a reminder on how I should have a sense of spontaneity in life. On low days your strong faith serves as a reminder on how I should believe in Him.  – Constantly remind people about their faith. Especially in dark times.

💌

JE (2013), 

You are the only one on this list who I haven’t met personally. We don’t know each other, or at least not yet. But you make me want to go and see the world, too. I hope one day I get to finally meet you and we can go somewhere new preferably one with a view. But until then, I’m stocking up on some exciting stories you might want to hear. — Someday and somewhere can be right now and right here. I am just waiting for the Universe to decide.

💌

MD (2014), 

You always understand, or at least try to understand the people around you. When you finally do, you treat them as family. With the amount of patience, love and understanding you have, I will always look up to you. — People will always complicated. Get to know them, learn how to adapt and adjust. 

💌

SB (2014),

You were my first lunch buddy during my freshman year. I will always remember how friendly and welcoming you are. Thank you for letting me in your group of friends. – Be that kid who lets people in without any questions. Welcome them and treat them well. 

💌

KC (2015),

For opening up and letting me hear exclusive stories from your childhood to your current awkward adulthood beginnings, I can truly say you are a good person who deserves better. — Sharing your stories to other people is one thing, people sharing their stories to you is another. Prefer the latter.  

💌

JN (2015),

I always whine and complain about how tired I am to you but never did I hear you complain when you were as tired as I was. The only thing I heard from you was a prayer. — Complaining will not get you anywhere. Prayers, silent or out loud, will get you somewhere. Seek Him.

💌

JG (2015), 

Law and PE classes wouldn’t be as fun without you. I am fond of you because you remind me of an earlier version of myself; the one who believed that books and movies are the best form of escape. – Life can be pretty overwhelming, it’s nice to know how to escape from it without leaving it completely.

💌

RM (2015),

I have never met anyone as contented with her life as you. You always see the good in people.  PS. The next time you hear Breaking Free I hope you think of the time I won our karaoke battle. – It’s normal to want things. Contentment is still key though. 

💌

TP (2015),

You shared latest 9Gag memes and your personal stories to me (like that one time your lost phone went to Japan and back to the PH), my wish for you is to find everlasting love hahahaha – Be the fun one with all the great stories. 

💌

KP (2016),

For tolerating me and for that one time you made sure that I got home safe so you and our friend got in a cab with me to drop me off, I am extremely grateful. We need more people like you in this world. – Your humility has changed me and everyone else you’ve worked with. Continue to keep your feet on the ground.

💌

AG (2016),

You were my lunch buddy throughout the first half of Junior Year, and you sided with me when I ranted about evil people. I will always remember you when I eat unsanitary Sisig and drink cheap milk tea. I admire your simple dreams for you and your family. – It’s important to have dreams for you. It’s also important to have dreams for the people you love too. 

💌

LA (2016),

It was that October morning when I told you how sad I was and how tired I was of life. I’m not quite sure if you understood but you still listened to me and I will always be thankful. My advice for you is to get out of toxic relationships, platonic or not. This will help you in the long run. –Listen to people, it doesn’t matter if you understood them or not. The important thing is you let them vent out. 

 

🎂 🎂 🎂

For this part, listen to Young Blood by Noah Kahan

I wrote the first half of this post weeks before my birthday. I read The Little Prince again after a long time a few days before my birthday because I felt like I needed some inspiration to finish this post and also some guidance on how I should live my 19th year.

My takeaways from doing these in preparation for my birthday?

From doing this post, I learned how to look back and just laugh about all the bad times. I fully accept that I don’t really talk to most of these people on a daily basis, I’m glad I had so many good moments with them and I’m wishing for many more new ones. But if time and fate doesn’t allow us, my heart has a special place for all the moments we had.

From reading The Little Prince, my takeaway would be that I don’t want to fail as an adult. I don’t want to end up like most of them. I don’t want to end up like one of those grownups the little prince met. I want to be as kind as I am on my 18th year, even kinder. I want to be better.

I wrote this last part just now. I just got home last night from a birthday trip to Manila. Despite the rain and traffic, it was nice to get my fix of pollution and shopping.

I don’t know how many “this is your last teen year” lines I’ve received/heard on my birthday. You know what? I’m not even sad about it being the last. I’m quite excited for the next era. The 20’s. But that’s still in the future. Right now I just really want to take in every moment of my 19th year. I want to be a better version of Erika this year. I want to live and experience a lot more things that would be great to tell some young girl when I’m older and she’ll be in awe of how much I lived. I hope I don’t waste this year just like I wasted some of the others.

(Belated) Happy birthday, self. May you keep your time, keep your mind, keep it humble. Remind yourself that what is for you will not pass you. Please don’t be sad about growing up.  It’s a beautiful thing to do and changing  for the better is a nice thing. You made me so proud. It’s time to climb and get to another mountain. To so many more sunsets, good times, plane rides and city skylines.

For anotha one, thank You 👆 My heart is full.

That is aall xx

Cool it child

Well, I don’t know where to start because I’ve been gone for so long maaan. And a lot has happened since the last time I did a life update. Okay so I’ve been gone to whole month of May because it was super hectic. I thought I wasn’t gonna survive the last 3 weeks of school because every teacher was just throwing the final requirements and we had to deal we that until the very last day I’m not even joking.

Let’s have a recap, shall we? Okay so I had 4 reports last month, 2 of which were individual ones and 4 papers to write with a bonus of a website + database to build. Basically, I had 3 reports in a week, all for major subjects and shiet I survived that hell week I will never ever forget. Also, I had to go to school on a day which I didn’t have an exam to finish the website + database I was talking about earlier.

In the past years since I started college, final requirements were due at least 2 weeks before the exams. But not this time, fam. If I were to describe what I’ve been through last month, I would compare it to the TV show, Wipeout. You know the show where there are different obstacle courses and when you get hit you fall into mud or water. Yeah. College is tough, kids.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Um ok let’s move on. I was supposed to enroll for the short term but no subjects were offered to me since the pre-enrollment season so that was a sign that it wasn’t really meant to be.

I’m done with junior year everyone woooot.

For now, (after probs a monthly playlist one of these days) I’m going to make reconstruct my blog forrealz this time. HAHA.

Okay that is all for now.

 

Us: A concept, an infinite playlist

I’ve been in the mood to write so um here you go. it’s a piece inspired by a boy i rly like hehez. thank you for inspiring me to do good things and to go visit places to where you’ve been and leave my mark there as well. thank you for being one of the reasons i still write. my heart still hopes for the day we meet. you seem like you have a good heart. we need more people like you here on earth. so that being said, here goes nothing.
///

US

“1…2…3… Go!” 

As the first note from Chris Martin’s guitar echoed the entire concert grounds, the crowd went wild.

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you”

I wanted to capture this using my phone because this was one of my favorite songs. But I was shaking so hard and tears were already falling from my eyes, I put my phone down. Knowing that if I were to continue to record this, it would pass by so quickly and I would regret not being in this very moment.

I looked at you and noticed you also put your phone down. You were singing so loudly and I could see tears building up. I remember that time I played this song and you told me.

“Yellow used to be my favorite Coldplay song.”
“Used to be? What’s your favorite now?”
“Magic. Ever since you came along.”

I. STILL. CRINGE. EVERY. TIME. I’m joking. That was really cute.

“And your skin, and yeah your skin and bones. Turn in to something beautiful. You know I love you so. “

By the time the chorus was done the first tear dropped from your eye and I started laughing at you. You looked at me and finally noticed that I was staring at you for the longest time and shrugged it off. You focused your attention on the band as they were playing the second verse.
I shifted my eyes to the stage, to give you a moment. And to finally sing along to the remaining parts of the song.

As soon as the song ended I was a mess from crying so much. That was only the second song of the night. Coldplay isn’t a band anymore. Coldplay was an experience. THE experience. . Tears were shed in some more songs, especially the last one. Up & Up. That one hit me right in the feels.

As the band said goodbye to Manila, I had to check my pulse because I was literally on Cloud 9. I cannot believe I just saw one of my favorite bands. With you.

We had to rush back to the parking lot before more people exited the venue, all still on a Coldplay high.

“Well, that was the most amazing concert ever.”
“I know. I still can’t believe I saw them. Literally what”

You laughed, as you started your car. It was a 45 minute drive back to my place. It was already 11 at night so you weren’t expecting any traffic. As we made our way out of the parking lot and out of the concert venue, I was staring out at the window, just trying to take in every high building there is and all of the city lights that light up so brightly.

You turned on the radio and played Trouble” by Cage The Elephant.

To enhance your carpe diem-ing experience, you said with the softest voice. Your throat probably hurt from all the singing and screaming.
“Thanks… and hey thank you for tonight.”
“Well the night isn’t over yet. Where do you want to go next?”
“I can’t. I have to catch the 2AM bus.”
“Oh right. Well, it is the end of the night for you. Haha.”

My sweet love, won’t you pull me through? Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you.

I was starting to feel sad again because the night was almost over. I was going back home in a few hours to attend school. I’ll be back to reality in a few hours and I’m not sure when I was going to see him again.

The next song that played was familiar. An oldie but a goodie. It was “This City Never Sleeps” by Jason Walker. A personal favorite of his.
We hummed along to the song because we were too tired from singing.

“Like all these buildings I will try, to leave the world behind til my head is clear. Draw a new skyline and change my atmosphere.”

A new song came up. I had to check his phone to see the title of the song playing. It was “Made of Something” by bvd kult and Will Heggadon

“This is such a nice song!!!”
“Shoutout to my Discover Weekly playlist”

A few more songs were played. With some close-ended questions and some conversation fillers just because we wanted to talk to each other even though we didn’t have enough energy to do so.
With just 2 blocks left before my place, I regained the energy and took his phone to play some songs I wanted him to listen to.

I played “American Teen” by Khalid.

“For the long train rides in Japan.”
“Righhht. I forgot to tell you I was going there. Who told you?”
“You snapchatted your luggage a few days ago. Lucky guess.”
“Sakura season. We all wanted to go.”
“Take me with youuu.”
“I don’t really want to babysit in Japan.”
“Wow ha.”
“I’m kidding. Maybe. Someday, soon.”

And though it was dark in your car, I saw you smile. There’s always this warm feeling inside that I get whenever I make you smile.
He turned right and we were about 10 meters away from my destination.

“When we get there can you park first?”
“Umm.. sure. Why?”
“I need you to listen to one last song. Just to wrap this night… For your playlist too”
“Alright.”

We enetered the basement parking lot of the building which was well lit.
I took my phone and plugged in the AUX cord. I scrolled through my playlist and played “Closer” by Nick Wilson. We sat there in silent when the song started to play.

I’m on top of the world with you, so let’s admire the view.

If this were a movie, the camera would zoom out now. With the song playing in the background, while showing flashbacks of our moments in the concert and in the car, and aerial views of the city, I’ll end it with a closing monologue about him and how happy I was in that moment. And then screen fades to black.

///

Yeah, that would be cool. Let’s imagine that happened. That all of this happened.
Well, there was my attempt of writing a piece after sooo long. HAHAHAHAHA. You’re welcome for the cringe-worthy story. HAHAHAHAHA. Alright. Every single thing from the story is fiction. I’m still sad from not going to the Coldplay concert. huhu. I’ll get my turn someday lolz.

That is aall xx

Ever Since New York

Hi. Hello. Hi. I’m just going to skip the part where I say sorry coz I’ve been gone and tell you that I’m still alive but barely breathing because I’ve told this so many times for the past 2 years whenever it gets hectic or I’ve hit an all time low.
Let’s go to the part where I update to how I have been. I’ve been well. Well-er than ever to be honest.
Where have I been? I’ve been on hibernation since the last week of March and I haven’t really checked on anyone or anything (i.e this blog and Tumblr). I’ve been on break since Tuesday and I’m going back this Tuesday which I’m not really ready to go back because I don’t want to know my grades and once I go back I have to deal with Final projects and all that. Though I really want this sem to end already, I’m so scared and anxious because I still don’t have subjects for this short term and I’ll be a Senior when I go back on August for the regular term. Dude. A SENIOR. What!!! I really want to get as much subjects as I can this short term so it wouldn’t be such a hassle.
Anyway. Lotsa realizations about everything for the past couple of weeks. It’s been weird but it’s been refreshing trying to figure out my priorities and goals in life, also I’ve been prospecting people who I want to keep in my life. I need to cut the circle again coz people are getting toxic and or shady lol and I don’t need that in life.
{this is a little reminder to my future self that for the rest of the march and the first few weeks of april: khalid, riverdale, studio ghibli movies were your faves. not to mention that your most favorite boy in the whole wide world a.k.a harry styles just released a single and he’s dropping an album in a few weeks!!! OK DUDE MORE REASONS TO LIVE}
I just remembered I haven’t posted a playlist for April. This one is a bit different from what I normally do but I’ll only do this kind of thingy when I forgot to post a playlist for the month and it’s in already the middle of the month AND when I’m inspired by something or someone (Hala. hahahaha) Anyway, this ~playlist~ would be in another post which I’ll be posting right now!!! Go ahead refresh the page HEHE. It’s a lil sumthin for everyone who reads this blog. I hope everyone had a good easter! 🙂

Float like an eagle

Hi. Hello. I know I’ve been away for a month, but don’t worry. I’m still alive. I know you’re wondering why I haven’t posted for the whole month of February. I have lots of reasons why I didn’t have  write a blog post after my monthly playlist. I felt like this was turning in to a ~music blog~ because most of my posts from the past year were monthly playlists. Don’t get me wrong though, I love making my monthly playlists. I’m just not intending my blog to go that direction.

I just really don’t have time and energy to have side projects. My creativity is gone, man. G O N E. It got drained by the course and subjects I’m taking up and it’s continually fading as the clock is ticking. To be honest, I even questioned myself was creativity there from the very start? Or did I just consider myself to be creative because I believed the people who kept telling me I was.

Another reason why February was a little tough because I felt like the universe kept testing me??? As in wth. The week would go on smoothly but then the weekend comes up and I get 2932942 problems I have to to deal with during the next week. (filed under: family gathering, my ecol class, the future i’m so unsure about everything). I’m grateful I actually surpassed all the challenges life put me in. I’m just asking for it to tame down like let me enjoy life, let mE LIVE IN PEACE. I get that you grow through bad times but wow I just really want to feel good 😦

Despite all the doubts and negative thoughts, I have decided to keep this blog and continue running it.  Lolz.

Anyway, Riverdale, Ed Sheeran and Spotify’s Discover Weekly have been fueling my will to live.

Ok ok enough of this drama. HAHA. I’ll be back again with a better post, I just wanted to update you guys and just jot down my thoughts instead of bottling it up.

That is aall xx

ENDER14

here’s to the ones who dream

this is the first post of 2017 and i’m doing another all low caps post (will explain later on the post)

but anyway, 2017 has been okay so far like it has been suspiciously so good to me. i got to hang with some of my fam during new year’s day and i even saw my soul. but little did i know, my soul was going to migrate to another country so that was the last time i ever saw my soul and maybe the last time in a long time because i don’t know when she’s going home. it’s fine and all, and i’m so happy for her because she’s going for another adventure. above all, i’m just thankful i got her as my soul and that is what’s more important than any tradition 🙂

also, i’m down to the last half of my junior year. it’s so crazy to think that i’m almost graduating but i still have so much to do before that lol. the enrollment system improved so much i was done in 2.5 hours, which was a first. i also went to the arcade with some of my college friends that i saw before going to the id sticker replacement. and they were asking me if i wanted to join them in a trip they’re taking after this sem, i’m not quite sure yet because as much as i want to say yes, i want my first out of town trip to be with my highschool friends; we’ve planned so much on going on a roadtrip idk. but of course that would be rude to say so i just said i’ll think about it.

aahh also i’m going back to school on tuesday and idk i think i’m ready but i don’t want to go back yet gosh huhu. hoping for good teachers this sem!!!

remember when my laptop “crashed” while i was doing end of the year posts? apparently my laptop did not “crash” it was actually the usb cord of the charger. it wasn’t properly charging my laptop hence it was so lowbatt that it had to sleep. lol but don’t worry, i changed the cord already i’m using my blackberry charger lolz. never thought i would use this again.

ok so i decided that this year, i would get rid of my irrational fears (i.e: dyeing my hair, lighting lighters/matches,  animals) last tuesday i got my hair colored LIKE WHAT LITERALLY WHAAAT hahaha yeah it’s now light brown with blonde highlights idk if it looks good on me but it’s alright. and i’m so proud of myself for actually doing it. lolz i was chatting my friend because i wanted my hair to get a balayage effect and he said go but i wasn’t so sure. i asked my mom and she said yes so when we got to the parlor i was so so anxious i didn’t look at the picture of the shade i wanted i just picked from the color picker (HAHA idk what that’s called but it’s like the paint sampler???)

i also watched la la land. i think i’m gonna do another post on that. but it was such a wonderful movie i can’t wait to see the 1080p version of it lol. also, i’ve been catching up on that 70’s show (season 4 already and it’s sooo good. 4×01 has got to be one of my most fave episodes haha) and i’ve also been watching the newly released a series of unfortunate events!!!

———————————————————————————————————–

that’s few of the good things 2017 gave me so far. like i said, i was getting so suspicious because life has been treating me so well lately (but don’t get me wrong i am so grateful for all the good stuff, i’m just used to getting bad days umm filed under 2016 lol).

anyway, after eating lunch i went on twitter and noticed some of my batchmates were tweeting about life and how short it was and then one of my batchmate tagged our other batchmate and then i started chatting my friends in case they knew something because i had a feeling something bad happened to her, and that was how i found out the news the she had already gone. i wasn’t close to her but some of my friends are. and considering she was my batchmate and i’ve known her since freshman year, i was so shocked because she was sooo young. she’s a year older than me but she’s the same age as our other batchmates. my heart sank when i opened facebook and saw her mom’s post through her account and read the comments. she was so loved, she still is and she’ll always be loved and missed by so many. she was so talented and she was beautiful inside and out. but life could be so unpredictable, that it can be cruel sometimes. my whole heart is with everyone who are going through this difficult time right now. i’m also praying for her soul and loved ones.

i remember during one of our school activities 3 years ago, we were asked one by one. “what makes you remarkable?”. my answer to the question was “…because our batch name means remarkable and i’m in this batch” and the response to my answer was “psh. that’s so cliché.” i was a lot of pressure that time. but after what happened today, i could answer it better now. the answer is that no one realizes how remarkable someone is until they’re gone. and you won’t realize how remarkable you are until you’ve touched someone else’s life.

May you rest well, batchmate.

That is aall xx

ENDER14

Here’s to 2016;

I’m not sure where to begin and how to begin this, but here we go. (LITERALLY ME EVERYDAY THIS YEAR LOL)

This year, I decided to make this post different, but still with a sense of familiarity. I’m not yet ready to do a completely different year ender post. This year, I decided to skip listing the 100 things I did because of various alibies like how I’m writing this the midnight of the 31st so I don’t have time. Another one is because I feel like I achieved more than a hundred things this year that I want to keep those achievements to myself. I decided that some things shouldn’t be written down on paper or in this case, written on a blog post for the world to read. It is not because the moments I had are not worthy to be in ink, but because I don’t have the words to describe each happy, sad, wonderful, tiring, fleeting moment that 2016 has presented me.

I remember texting a friend last New Year’s Eve, telling her that this was the year. 2016 will be my year and I even joked I might get all the baes in 2016. Well, surprise. That didn’t happen.

When the year started to unfold, at first, I was like cool everything’s doing well. It’s a clean start. At least no Valentines’ Day prank this year.

By the time March/April came, the stress was intense. I was about to lose it because I thought I was gonna fail 4C and Accounting. I was worrying so much about my grades to the extent I started being selfish and unnecessarily mean to my friends and everyone around me. I wasn’t also very kind to myself those days because I felt like a complete and utter loser who chose another wrong choice. I had those thoughts again about not belonging here because I didn’t want my course in the first place.

In May, I decided I didn’t want to take up subjects during the short term because I needed to rest my brain. I was on the brink of either a breakdown or a burn out. So I took a vacay.

June and July were emotional months. This were the months that broke me the most and I always slept with a heavy yet empty heart. I filled the cracks of my heart with films.

Even on the days prior to my birthday, even on my very birthday. It continued. I felt sad, broken and lost. I remember being on the toilet seat in our hotel room, asking why was it happening to me. It was my birthday. I don’t want it to be ruined. I just want to feel happy just for once. I thought wishing to be somewhere else far far away would make me happy, but I was already somewhere else, far far away. I still felt the same.

I hyped turning 18 so much, that the minute it turned the 21st, I didn’t feel anything. I thought it was gonna be like a Cinderella moment or something straight out of a movie. But no. I was still me and I just got older.

I thought everything was gonna go my way because duh it was my birthday. But no, it still didn’t. My own 18th birthday got ruined. Until this day, I have to cringe and laugh away the pain that it wasn’t my best birthday. And again, I wish I was somewhere else. I felt like no one understood me. I felt so alone and hurt. That no one was there for me. That I kept asking why I deserved it, why it was happening to me. I felt like I will never be genuinely happy. Not even the greetings from my friends and the 52 comments greeting me a happy birthday could make up for all the things I was feeling that day.

My birth month continued that way. Constantly getting hurt, constantly asking the question why; in varieties like “why me lol”, “why not me”, “why can’t i” to cite a few.

I felt so unhappy with all the things going on in my life. I thought to myself, “Wow, maybe this is what an adult is like. Pure sadness and obligations.”

One time around August, right after I enrolled for my junior year in college. My dad asked me if I still prayed before going to bed. I was like Yeah, I do. But deep inside I felt so guilty because though I do pray, I don’t mean it. I just say the existing prayers, sometimes mumble a few words because I was getting too sleepy and just forgot about praising God, thanking Him and even saying sorry. That was the time I was so shookt.

I had the time to complain about nothing going my way, keep asking why bad things keep happening to me, but I didn’t have the time to say a proper, meaningful prayer. I realized how my faith got so weak, that I was blinded by all the obstacles, that He had to use other people as an instrument to make me realize something, to give me a wake up call.

So August came and went and so did September, and those were the months my faith was tested the most but I still succeeded to regain it back and believe again, despite the strong waves. I started praying again and decided to reconnect with Him.

October rolled around and that was the time I talked to Him, after a long long time I poured my heart out and asked different questions (back at it with the “Why’s”), and for the first time in a looong time that I felt lighter, that I could feel blood pumping throughout my system again. Like He has got my back now even though I knew he always had. I just forgot. I left temporarily without even knowing I did, only to come back to Him.

November and most of December played out well because, I have Him back in my life now. And despite some bad days for the last 2 months of this year, I know those were just little obstacles in the way. There’s a quote that says “Don’t let those little speed bumps look like mountains they try to be”.

Anyway, like what I said in the text to my friend, I claimed 2016 to be my year. Just not in the way I expected it to be.

2016 was the most staggering. It’s the year that tested me the most in terms of my faith, patience, socializing.

2016 made me realize that even if you’re in the happiest place on earth, you could still feel the sadness radiating from your heart.

2016 taught me that sometimes God gives you what you want to realize that it’s not what you need. And this is how I’m slowly getting rid of being materialistic and trying to work on myself more.

2016 made me all kinds of broke a couple of times. I had to beg myself to stay to stay alive. 2016 made some of my friends broken too. I went from begging myself to stay alive, to begging them to stay alive for me. I wanted them to be better but I can’t even make myself a better person. But music somehow helped them, and for that I am grateful.

Wow I didn’t intend this post to be THAT SAD. HAHAHAHAA ok moving on.

2016 gave me so many challenges and I overcame them one at a time. ONE at a time. I realized you have to finish overcoming one challenge before you start facing a new one.

2016 showed me that being right isn’t always right. If you know me, I always deem myself to be wrong in a conflict. But I saw people always proving that they’re right even if they’re not. I would rather choose being kind than being right.

2016 taught me that it is what it is. You can’t change people but you can change your perspective.

2016 made me start believing in myself. There were so many instances this year where I told myself that I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do that. But ended up doing it just for the thrill of it. And by the time I did the thing I swore on my life I couldn’t do, I felt so good about it. NTS: You got this, self.

I’ve always been a grateful person. But 2016 made me even more grateful for what I have and for what I don’t. This year, I had to trust timing. His timing. For each thing that left. there will be a time that it would be replaced with something better. But you have to wait.

Basically, I kept telling myself and to others that 2016 was such a bad year. Yeah, it was because I had so many bad days. But 2016 ain’t that bad. It gave me not only life lessons, but also some great people and memories. 2016 put me in so many wonderful places, it gave me a chance to travel again. It gave me a chance to meet new people and improve my friendship with my friends, both the new ones and the old ones.

I entered 2016 as cookie dough but I’m leaving it tonight as one tough cookie.

And I wrote a lot more paragraphs here but my laptop crashed and I’m currently using my phone (Update: I fixed it) UgH 2016 being 2016. Anyway, the only point I made there was I’m thankful 2016 didn’t turn out the way I wanted to. This year humbled me the most and literally made me so much wiser. I’m thankful for the bad days I had because it would make me appreciate the good days when they come around

Let’s all just be kind to each other in the new year. Let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s forgive everyone who has done us wrong, but most importantly let’s forgive ourselves for for doing others wrong and for not being as kind to ourselves. Let’s try new things that scare us, run away from our comfort zone and run right back.

There were good moments this year. And here’s 95 seconds of the good things 2016 gave me, the good people that made this year a little less terrible.

 

I have nothing but high hopes for 2017. With a hopeful heart and with my remaining love, with hopes for a better year and for looking forward to go to all the places and meet people, I’m bidding goodbye to 2016.

Ready when you are, 2017.  ✨

That is aall xx

ENDER14