“Slow down you crazy child. You’re so ambitious for a juvenile. Slow down you’re doing fine. You can’t be everything you want to be before your time”
It has been awhile since we last talked. A lot has changed since but at the same time, a lot hasn’t. It took a lot in me to start writing this. I don’t know if I have mentioned this even in the previous year end post but I haven’t written in so long. Aside from tweets and Instagram captions, I haven’t really been writing. I wasn’t sure if I was ever gonna come back here. I think a part of me has grown creatively throughout the past year that I express myself better in creating videos. I’m drawn to making video content rather than writing. It’s easier, faster, less brain cells needed. But if you’re reading this now, I guess I decided to post. It has already been a tradition to come here and write at the end of the year anyway. I am quite uncomfortable with sharing my feelings online now that I’m 21 but it’s whatever!!! Here goes nothing. Whatever might be written after this paragraph, know that it‘s still me and I am writing from the bottom of my heart. Even if I was gone for a long time, I’m still the Erika who posted here every week since I was 12. But do keep in mind this is also the Erika who stepped away from this blog last year and grew. She’s someone who hasn’t really been introduced here. But for the latter version, I hope you welcome her like you did with the first ever version of Erika you read on this blog.
Well you’re in for a treat, shishters. This was 2019.
Just after ringing in the new year, I spent the first few hours of January 1st talking to friends and just catching up, wishing them a good year ahead. It went on until 4AM. From what I recall, I slept around 6 and woke up at 3PM. What a way to enter the new year, am I right?! Anyway, I got the flu a week in the new year. Sooo again, what a way to enter the new year! Okay who am I kidding I’m literally not doing a weekly recap of this year. That’s too much my 2 functioning brain cells could barely think of the following word to put after another word so I’m 100% sure they can’t recall every single thing that happened in the past 54 weeks. Okay since this is the last year end post of this decade, let’s make more fun HAHAHA.
QUARTER 1: Plans & Visions (Jan – Mar)
This is my vision board for this year. Spoiler alert: most of my visions were really just visions, it never put into plan, it was never materialized. Well whatever. HAHA. Are you already getting the feel of what happened to me this year? Hang in there. We’re just in bullet #1 for the first quarter.
•the trip that changed it all
Early February, I had an out of town trip. It’s one of the longest trips I’ve had in awhile. This trip pretty much sealed the deal. I wanted to move to a bigger city for my career. I’ve always wanted to. It used to be a dream as a teen but as years passed by, it slowly became a goal to move away. This trip had a purpose, it wasn’t only a shopping trip. This trip helped me know more about myself and my goals. Not only did it spark of achieving my goal, it also sparked something else. It’s in the next bullet.
•creativity is slowly coming back
Creativity is something that I’ve always had in me. It’s an innate trait. I think it really has to do with my status of being an only child. I had to play by myself most of the time growing up so I literally had to think of ways to entertain myself daily. By the end of the first half of my junior year, I felt like my creativity has been drained. My major subjects really sucked all of it. By the last part of my senior year, I didn’t have the drive anymore to give my best. I just wanted to graduate so everything, every output I passed was mediocre. Anyway, creativity is very important to me. It’s needed in art, film, writing — all of which I’m very drawn to. I was quite lost without it for awhile so I’m glad I got it back early this year. I’ve decided to do a series on my Instagram called “Scenes from a fake coming of age indie film”. It’s just a bunch of video clips I have on my camera roll that I edit and compress it into 15 seconds. That’s all. I’d like to think I am the David Dobrik of Instagram Stories HAHAHAHA. I just don’t get the point of posting 3 or more stories, when you can post just one or two with substance. Just go straight to the point. Anyway you do you. That’s just me and I’ll keep doing me (that sounds… off. But okay let’s move on). Getting back creativity or at least a chunk of it really helped me get back into being myself and helping myself like me again. At the same time, it helped me catapult myself ~out there~. More on this later.
•finding out what i want to pursue in life
This happened in March. After countless of afternoons laying on my bed listening to Empire of The Sun, there was a certain afternoon I just decided I wanted to pursue Marketing as a career. Not in Sales, but in Digital Marketing. I hope so. Typing this out scared me because literally anything I put out into this blog and anything I share to anyone or when I claim something, never really happens. I don’t have a back up plan when this goes wrong, so idk idk ?!!!! But I love the e-comm field. I truly believe it’s gonna give me a stable career because we are already in a digital age. It’s gonna be much more digital soon enough.
Also, I hung out with the remaining high school and college friends I have here at home, and I did it as much as I could because they already found work/were already working during that time. I think it’s the most I’ve spent time with them outside school.It’s really weird that I used to see them everyday and we’d share the same experiences on the daily but now it’s just weird and fun to listen to their stories in work. I like how my friends would make me feel like we were officemates. Not much has changed between the dynamic of my friends and I. I’m scared it might soon especially in the next decade. But I’m glad it hasn’t happened yet and I’m very grateful for that.
In the first quarter, I also made a LinkedIn account and started searching for jobs/internships HAHA. Well, stay tuned how it ended! 🙂
QUARTER 2: Driving & Leaving (Apr-June)
•getting student permit and learning how to drive
I don’t know if I ever mentioned it here, but I’ve been wanting to drive ever since college. I just couldn’t find the time to go to driving lessons. But finally had the time and enough courage to learn how to drive. Honestly, one of the best decisions I’ve done this year and one of the highlights!!! Yaa gurl finally knows how to drive!!!! I almost crashed like on the first day of lessons but let’s not talk about that HAHAHAHA.
Truly, doing it afraid is just as brave 🙂
•stepping ~out there~
I challenged myself to use Instagram as a platform, as a medium to help express myself and to challenge my creativity a lot more. Like what I’ve said earlier, I’ve been doing curated IG stories. And I just enjoy theeem heehee. I also made a second Instagram, more of a dump account/an online portfolio of some sort just so I can step out of my comfort zone a lil bit by showing a part of my life not even my closest friends have seen before.
This quarter, I was slowly getting pressured because friends are getting jobs & slowly fulfilling their dreams :(((( but again, their timeline isn’t mine. What is theirs, is for them. What is mine, will always be mine and not for anyone else.
The sunsets this time of year were so sooo vivid. It was beauUutiful. See some of them on my year end vid!
•start to edit passion project
Around March, I started editing (again) my passion project. It’s basically just clips from my senior year of college, some of the highlights and behind the scenes of what went on on my last academic year ever. The first draft ever was done October last year, only to be completed and released a year later.
•on leaving hometown:
Moving away for college didn’t happen. So maybe moving away for work might happen. You see, my hometown is currently too slow for me. Do not get me wrong, I love my hometown. So much. I love the convenience, I love the safety, I love the comfort. Comfort. It has became my comfort zone so that’s why I haven’t felt growth since graduating. But I feel like I have already peaked here and there’s literally nothing to do here. There’s something more out there, somewhere else, something else for me. There has to be. Most of my friends have already moved out and I’m one of the few OGs left. This was something that was very difficult for me to understand. I was the one who kept telling people I’m going to leave this city soon. But here we are, it’s December and I’m still here.
QUARTER 3: Birthdays & Being Stuck Sucks (July-Sept)
•EGGCHELLA the weeklong celebration
I turned 21 this year and found out it was my golden birthday!!! Like when you turn the same age as your birthdate. So I turned 21 on the 21st. I celebrated an entire week and named it Eggchella HAHAHA like coachella, but my version. Anyway it was just a wholesome celebration. Just a bunch of brunches, lunches and dinners with friends. Since some of them were working and some were still in school, I had to do multiple celebrations that’s why it was a weeklong. It was supposed to be just a birthday salubong but it ended up as a birthweek salubong. Anyway, it was rly fun. It was the first time I celebrated with friends, the last time was when I turned 17. And half of those who came to that celebration, I don’t even get to talk to anymore hHAHAUAHAHA. Not because we have bad blood or anything, but literally we drifted apart and we don’t get to catch up. And you know what, that’s okay. Knowing them, I know they’re nice and I know we’ll keep it chill when we get to reunite (?) HUAHAHA idek ok anywayyy. My birthday like my birthday itself, I just celebrated with fam. It was nice. Then I did a DIY photoshoot for myself. Like I had to rearrange my entire room just so I could get a good pic!!!
By August, it rained for a week long. Like ?!?? Not normal rain, intense monsoon rain. Idk that caused my serotonin to drop immensely.
•In the quarter, I also experienced about the struggles of bein an entrepreneur. Sometimes, sales tend to drop a lot haha. So you have to work it out and just wish for the best. Anyway, that’s all I’m gonna share for now. I’m not ready to share that yet to the world.
•the feeling of being stagnant, being left behind. not being enough. becoming frustrated that im stuck in this phase in life. Is this an endless gap year?!? Honestly, I’ve already explained this earlier. This is a reoccurring theme this year, it’s still an unresolved problem. Anyway, whenever I start wanting to apply for a job, something in my personal life happens or at least I get little boosts of motivation then it fades away. I truly think self-doubt and self-rejection are reasons why I cant get my shit together or at least why it’s taking a long time to fix my life. This prompted me to be tired of doing nothing but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know I guess I was too sad and scared to try to get a job HAUAHAH 😦 idk
Went to a bunch of gov’t offices so I could get IDs because my old college ID isn’t valid anymore and the only ID I have is my passport. Lol. So there. We did a lil adulting adventure.
QUARTER 4: Believing & Growing
•my 2 old friends visited: Loss & Grief. The last time Loss & Grief visited me was in 2013 when my grandfather passed. This time, it was my grandmother. Loss and Grief aren’t bad friends, they’re good old friends who pay a visit every now and then. Just to check on things. Just to give you both comfort and discomfort at the same time, at least that’s how I see it. Their visit this time was a little too intense for my liking. The last time Loss & Grief were present, I was only 15. I’m 21 now and things have changed. Grief is the more prominent friend. She likes to stay even after Loss has gone. She’s the one who likes spontaneity. Loss likes to be spontaneous too, sometimes announces when he’s coming as soon as he shows up, he doesn’t really stay as long. There’s also one more friend who I found out visits at the same time. Acceptance. She just shows up as soon as Loss appears, at certain cases Acceptance shows up when you already understand everything, or at least try to. Loss, Grief and Acceptance are complex, but there comes a point that you just have to understand them. When they appear, you just have to welcome them. They’re all part of Real Life. I’m just comforted to know my grandma is resting in a much better place. I already said this before but I’m saying it again and I’ll never stop saying it, I’m just very very grateful and blessed she became my grandmother in this lifetime. Very very much grateful for her, and everything she has given and done for me and the rest of the family and everyone she knew in her lifetime. Nothing but gratitude for my grandma and for Him 🙂
I think from what happened in this quarter, I have come to realize that 2019 really rEeally put me in my place. It sat me down and made sure I learned and made me experience things. It brought me back my belief in God, in the universe, in every single principle I had. It brought me back humility, made sure I got shaken up so I could experience growth differently, in a way I haven’t yet.
Every season has a reason. I think I partly understand now why I had this type of season in life but I just haven’t figured out everything yet. Everything’s going to reveal itself in time. Aahhh yes, in Time. His Time. I can’t answer all the questions I have in my heart but I’m sure time will show me everything. It will help me resolve most that hasn’t been yet. This season, above all, taught me the concept of obeying, trusting and surrendering.
Another takeaway from this year is finding out that I could already dance to a song I used to cry to. That is progress.
So, 2020? I don’t know too scared to even talk about you. I was scared of 2019 too, and every year before that. But you know what!!!! I’m still here. I’m still alive. By the grace of God, I’m okay.
Do i just give up this big dream and settle for something less. Maybe settling for something less would lead me to where I’m meant to be? Will I move out anytime soon? Will I finally get a job offer? Do I finally get to see what the world has to offer me? Will I finally make someone fall in love with me? What lies ahead?!? I honestly don’t know. HAHAHA. But you know what!!!! Whatever is for me, will never pass me. It will never be someone else’s because it will be just mine.
I really think my plans had to fall apart to make space for bigger and better things, things that are truly for me. With that being said, ooof, 2019. You’ve given me so much, birthday cakes, Zesto tetra packs, Kenny Rogers, karaoke giggles, “People who cut me in line” stories, and better Instagram content. You were something else, 2019. Thanks for being something else.
Thank You for making me grow. You have never left through it all. Thank You for giving me Your time to listen to me. Thank You for listening to me even if some nights my crying was louder than my prayers. Thank You for understanding when I didn’t pray enough. Thank You for always welcoming me back no matter how much time has passed. Thank You for giving me this season. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it for sure was something I needed. Thank You. Please help me, guide me always. It’s what I need the most.
2020, let me. Just let me. Let me believe again in myself so I could make things happen. Let me sparkle the way I am meant to.
I guess, that’s all for now.