For 2018

2018. Where do I even begin. I know I’ve been gone for the entire year, I didn’t blog for the whole 2018. I don’t want to explain further but I guess life just happened. I got caught up with the demands of school and life so I didn’t get to blog. I didn’t have words, I didn’t have time to even think of the combination of words to describe what was happening to me. I tried my best to do a comeback month after month. “Maybe just a playlist”, “An update post to inform everyone I’m very much alive”, the drafts of those are still on my phone none of them would ever see the light of day.

Honestly, I couldn’t write because I lost words. Later on, I realized I was the one who was lost. Like 95% of the time this year, I was lost. And the 5% were the times I thought I wasn’t, but I really was. I didn’t know who I was anymore especially after graduation. I was labeled for 12 years as a student, but soon after graduating, I wasn’t a student in school anymore. I now have become a student of life. And that transition was so difficult. I’m still going through the transition phase of it right now.

Maybe this would be the shortest year end post because I don’t feel like writing. I feel like this is such a bold move because I, surprisingly, have a hard time of sharing my feelings now that I’m a bit older. Especially on the interwebs HAHAHAHA.  But like all other years that went by, I’m gonna share the little and big things I learned throughout this year. I’ve already started this tradition so I have to go with it.

At the beginning of the year, I learned how to wait. What was I waiting for? Nothing. Something. Anything. Everything. Sometimes I was waiting for one of them, sometimes all of them all at once. That was overwhelming, in all honesty. I learned how to be patient, to wait for my turn. To wait for my timing.

Everyone already started their internships, while I was stuck waiting for the longest time for mine. I only applied to one company and I stuck by it because I wanted it. I wanted it so bad, that in my mind and heart that if I didn’t get it, I would drop the subject and extend for another sem. My turn didn’t come until mid March when everyone was about to finish their 300 hours. I didn’t care I wanted it. I was so happy when I finally got my phone interview. The confirmation e-mail brought me so much joy, finally my prayers were getting answered. I started it March, and finished it by May. It was alright I guess but I learned so so much from my internship, not only in my field but so much as a person. Which brings me to the next lesson, kindness.

I’ve seen people go do the lowest of lows a person could do just to get what they want. They screamed foul words, reacted unpleasantly towards their fellow humans. I’ve seen people be so cold that they become toxic to everyone around them. I know everyone has a battle, or have lost a battle, that’s why they’re like that. A professor in college once said, “we are all victims of the past”. Like me, like you, like them, we have experienced something in the past that changed our views, maybe for the better or for worse.  That’s why we are the people we are now. But kindness in whatever way expressed is very important, it is vital. To me, it cancels out negativity, toxic things in the world. Just a few kind words could change someones day, even their views on life.

Morgan Harper Nichols’ words, helped me get through this year. I only found out about her words after my struggles of the first half of 2018 was over. It was life changing.“In the waiting, I am still growing” stuck with me. And for that, I am grateful for her words.

Anyway, like all the other years I have grown so much as a person but it may have not seemed like it. But I did. I am no longer the girl who posted the year ender last year. I’m completely different. I read somewhere, “when you ask God for growth, don’t be surprised when it starts to rain”. I asked Him specifically to grow this year. And when ~bad things~ started happening to me, I didn’t know what to do. Later on, I realized those ~bad things~ weren’t as bad as all. It was making me ready, it was making me grow. I shifted to “gratitude over attitude” mindset and tbh it helped me the most. Rather than complaining about the situation that I was in, I began to be thankful that I was in that situation no matter how bad or unlucky it was. Becoming grateful so so sOoo much has been life changing. It has been something I’ve been working in for so long, and it’s still something I’m working on.

I have finally accepted this year that I’m still a work in progress. I haven’t figured out everything yet. I’m this speck of dust who doesn’t know her place yet in this universe. And that’s fine not to have everything figured out. It’s fine to take it one day at a time. You have to drown the negative thoughts and all the doubts from others and from yourself, especially from yourself. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. You’re stuck with yourself forever. You have to nurture yourself inside and out. You have to tick all the boxes from your to-do list but if you couldn’t tick a handful of them, please know that it is okay. Again, one day at a time. One goal at a time.

I’m very very veRY grateful for everything that has happened to me this year. Maybe this year was the year that I’ve become most grateful and I’m bringing that kind of energy in the coming years. I am grateful for all the songs I’ve listened to that made me feel alive and for the songs that made me feel like I’m in a coming of age film. I am grateful for all the opportunities I had this year; from my internship in my dream company, going to Harry Styles’ concert with a rad friend (hehe the pun doe), graduating college, to a small, humble business I put up this year with some family members. I am one blessed egg and sometimes I fail to see that. Which I know I shouldn’t. I pray that I am always reminded that there are so many things to be grateful for. And there are so many things to still experience, many feelings to feel. I hope to heal. I hope to find genuine happiness. I still hope to grow and finally bloom. I hope to see not only sunrises, but also sunsets; beautiful ones and the mundane ones. When I look back at 2018, I will be looking back with gratitude. Thank you, 2018. For the people I’ve met, for my solid support system, for good movies like To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, good books like Everything All At Once by Katrina Leno, good vloggers like David Dobrik and Elle Mills. Thank you thank you thank you.

For 2019, I do not know you yet and I don’t know what you have in store for me. But hey, I’m Erika. And I’m ready to sparkle. I’m ready to bloom. Whatever it is that you have for me, I am already grateful. To becoming the person I will be, here’s to another 12 months of adventures and making things happen. All I can say is, ready when you are, 2019.

P.S: here are moments from my 2018. I hope everyone gets to go, grow and glow for the new year. Happy new year, everyone.

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2018 Playlist

Here’s the first and last playlist for 2018. 

One More Weekend – audien, max

With You – matt walden

Every Little Thing – russell dickerson

Good Times – next town down

June, after dark – elliot root

Take all the time you need – oh honey

Used to it – ashe

Show me – john splitoff, madison ryann ward

When you come home – trevor dahl

Just like everybody else – jocelyn

Only got eyes for her – ezra jordan

Slipping – quinn lewis

All this time – caye

Don’t know you yet – riley whisler, katy dix

Pink champagne – nick lopez

C’est la vie – maurice moore

Miss the sun – edwin raphael

All the wats to say goodbye – mitch james

Hoodie – hey violet

You – LINES

Wild – local sound

1985 – hotel apache

Who you are – one – the genius buddha band

The plural of moose is moose – national parks

I wear glasses – mating ritual

Only friend – maxwell young

Girl crush – harry styles

The bottom – phil j

Take it away – rod ladgrove

Five past ten – blair

Waiting on the summer – vhs collection

Summer lover – harbor & home

I Need u to stay – half an orange

Yellow lines – brendan james

Tell me tell me – courtship

City lights – hall johnson

Lady luck – richard swift

 Beacon – matt duncan

Hold on – roosevelt

This feeling – alabama shakes

Family and genus – shakey graves

 Tears of joy – slow club

If i ever was a child – wilco

San Francisco street – sun rai

Bruce Wayne – memorecks, jenna pemkowski

Through your fingers – pace

Sucker for you – matt terry

Wasted youth – sody, luke brown

About you – colouring

 Us – ed whichler

 Sleeptalking – travelers

Catherine – magic man

Somewhere warm – the runaway club

Remedy – telehope

75 Verndale – andy leon

Honey Moon – Birds in the airport

Good nights – mascolo, whethan

Take her place – arizona

Boy afraid – saro

Waterfall – panama, petit biscuit

New york city – owl city

All I Ever Want – Scouuts

Dance With me – sir, please

Ballad of Player 1Up – Dan black

Feels good – breakup

Friday nights are for lovers – the cigarette blondes

Good girls tigertown remix – crystal fighters

Indian summer – hoax

Lemondrops bob lemon remix – telana, bob lemon, prov

Love you for it – pro vita

Give me life – lewis watson

Millennial attraction – hardcastle

Like we’re in love again – slumberjack

Pineapple – the careful ones

Pleaser – wallows

See through you – willie shaw

Loner blood – ceres

Sweet california – margot polo

Talk all night for nothing – tyson motsenbocker

Growth – brother son

1922 – box the oxford

This Girl – Kungs vs Cookin on 3 Burners

Thank u, next – Ariana Grande

We are Golden – MIKA

Magic in The Hamptons – Social House

Homesick – Catfish and the Bottlemen

Chateau – Angus and Julia Stone

Velleity – Arms Akimbo

Miscommunication – Arms Akimbo

Cool Down – Matthew E. White, Natalie Prasa

Hooked – Why Don’t We

Out of Touch – Daryl Hall and John Oates

2002 – Anne Marie

Hair Too Long – The Vamps

San Francisco (Chin Chilla Remix) – Courier, Chin Chilla

Netflix Trip – AJR

Since We’re Alone – Niall Horan

Ocean Eyes (blackbear remix) – Billie Eilish, blackbear

Would You Be So Kind – dodie

Dreams Tonite – Alvvays

Call Me – NEIKED, MIMI

Been A Long Time – NEIKED, lil Indo

I Like Me Better (Ryan Riback Remix) – LAUV, Ryan Riback

Seeing Blind – Niall Horan

You and Me – Niall Horan

Ever Since New York – Harry Styles

Sweet Creature – Harry Styles

Meet Me In The Hallway – Harry Styles

Half-Light – Rostam, Kelly Zutrau

Sweet Talk – Saint Motel

Something About Us – Saint Motel

Let’s Stay Together (cover) – Imaginary Future

Take it as it comes – Imaginary Future

Weekend Millionaires – Katelyn Traver

Closer – Nick Wilson

Bad Ones – Matthew Dear, Tegan and Sara

New Light – John Mayer

Good Nights – Whethan, Mascolo

The Good Part – AJR

The Middle – Zedd, Maren Morris, Grey

Peach Pit – Peach Pit

Say Love – James TW

Psycho- Post Malone, Ty Dolla Sign

Sunflower – Post Malone

Go Flex – Post Malone

Harvest Moon – Handsome Ghost

Bestfriend – Rex Orange County

Beacon – Matt Duncan

Superhero – LAUV

Malibu – Miley Cyrus

Everytime – boy pablo

Stir Fry – Migos

Seventeen – Troye Sivan

Postcard – Troye Sivan

Crush Culture – conan gray

Generation Why – conan gray

HAPPINESS – NEEDTOBREATHE

I Love You So – The Walters

Move This (Shake That Body) – Technotronic

Colour Me – Juke Ross

Paper Hearts – The Vamps

Midnight – Jordan Mackampa

Never Be The Same – Camilla Cabello

Vibes – Griffin Stroller

Truly Madly Deeply – Yoke Lore

I’d Rather Be With You – Joshua Radin

Tokyo Nights – Digital Farm Animals, Shaun Frank, Dragonette

Take Her Place – Don Diablo, A R I Z O N A

Cross My Mind (pt 2) – A R I Z O N A

Loving Life – Rationale

Yellow Lights – Harry Hudson

Kathang Isip – Ben & Ben

Feels Great – Cheat Codes, Fetty Wap, CVBZ

Paris or Wherever We Are – Emily Hearn

Away We Go – Bad Suns

Clockwise – Dylan Dunlap

New York City – Andrew Benjamin

Love and War in Your Twenties – Jordy Searcy

Last Call – Hudson Thames

It’s Cool – KIN

Sober Up – AJR ft Rivers Cuomo

 

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