That’s all, 2017

 

How do I even begin. FYI, I started writing this on the 30th of December, just right after midnight. I was editing the second draft of the you’re about to see at the end of this post. This is the last one for 2017, I guess. This could probably be a long post because I haven’t written for so long. Okay. Here goes nothing.

Have you ever had those bad mornings? Like you believed you were gonna have a bad day. Where everything just seemed wrong. Your alarm decided it won’t wake you up on time today so woke up late. Then you don’t even bother eating breakfast, you run to the shower, get dressed and come out of your house. You couldn’t find a ride so you get to your school just in time or a few minutes late? Then your professor starts the day with a surprise quiz or recitation and you know nothing? The day progresses and you just keep hating everything that’s happening. You start to believe in Murphy’s Law once again. You want to go home and sleep and swear to yourself you’ll do better tomorrow? But suddenly, just when before you enter your last class for the day, you find out your professor won’t be meeting your class for the day. So you come out of school and come home an hour early. The best part is that your favorite Youtuber has uploaded and you forget all the bad things you experienced earlier that day.

Well, my friend, I just described 2017 for you. So that’s it. See y’all in 2018! Lolz jk.

But yeah, that really was 2017. It started out so bad. January was literally one of the worst months I’ve had. I was starting to believe that I was one of the Boudelaire children from A Series of Unfortunate Events because it was that bad. The highlight of January was probably my last long graduation weekend of my college life. You see, January is graduation season for my school so they suspend classes around Friday and the students get a long weekend. I went to MNL with my mom, cousin and aunt. It was great because I left my problems at home. I had this conflict with Research groupings, I was put in the class with the terror teacher and I basically entered the wrong class for the first two weeks of school. HOW DUMB OF ME RIGHT DONT JUDGE ME.

Moving on, February. I don’t remember much of it but I was still getting over my stupidity and all the bad events that happened on January. I remember having this immersion thing for my class at a restaurant but it had to be cancelled because of a local tragedy that happened so CHED had to suspend all outside school activities.

March. This was the time I started my “hibernation”. I woke up one day, really tired from life in general, and decided that I wasn’t going to talk to anyone that doesn’t talk to me first. Not because I was petty, but because I was tired. I was tired of always being the first one to reach out to people to hang out, the first one to initiate the conversation, etc etc. I wanted people, my friends to be exact, to also give the effort I gave out. I just wanted to know if they still have a place in my life and if I still fit in theirs. It’s sad that I actually thought of this. I didn’t even think that they could actually be going through some shit that’s why they were too busy to talk to me. I just thought that we were drifting apart. And actually, we really were.

So what came out of this “hibernation”? It’s nice to be alone and lowkey. I have already explained what I did during this time on my previous post. But yeah. I learned to value “me time”. I started to invest more time in myself. This ~hiatus~ helped me to get back on my feet and I did intervals of this throughout the year.

Hibernation season ended around mid April. April was also the time I quit drinking coffee. It all started as a “panata” for Holy Week. Then, I started researching about the disadvantages of coffee and that’s how it progressed. The first 2 weeks were the most difficult. Mind you that I still had school and I had a 9am classes that time. I was suuuper grumpy. I was PMSing even if I was done PMSing. Ya feel. Anyway, I survived 4 months of no coffee intake. Until the birthday salubong of my friend, we decided to go to Krispy Kreme. I should have ordered a frappe but it was raining that night. So I decided to treat myself with a cup of cappucino. Even the cappucino said no. Maaan my face was tingling the whole night. I’m so glad I didn’t palpitate. From what I read it was because of caffeine desensitization or something like that.

Okay where was I? Oh right. May. Oh May. The first two weeks were hella stressful. I had to do 2 individual oral reports for 2 major subjects. ON THE SAME DAY. It was nerve-wracking. And I don’t remember much of that day because I was filled with anxiety I internally blacked out for the rest of that day. But hey, I survived.

June. Hay June. If you guys can recall, I didn’t really do short term this year because well first of all, no slots were given to me. Second of all, the last half of Junior year FINISHED ME. I needed a break. So there you go I got a break. Which I now slightly regret. But anyway, it’s not my fault because they didnt give me any subjects. Only to find out, there were plenty of slots during the enrollment period i wANT TO SCREAM. Anyway, everything happens for a reason.

All June I just stayed at home watching Youtube and got obssessed with 80’s and 90’s Filipino films and love teams. That’s when my dream of doing a movie with love teams who need to do a reunion project sparked.

July was the month I turned 19. This month started out pretty emotional for me. I was just really sad this month. Like 2016 sad. The type of sad you tell yourself to stop crying but you feel it deep down and before you know it a piece of your already beaten heart dissolves again and tears begin to fall and the cycle begins all over again. I don’t know dude but July has some serious issues with me since 2015. Why can’t I get a happy birth month? When can I get a happy birth month again? What did I do? Was it because instead of wishing for happiness to my birthday candles that I’ve blown, I wasted my wishes on material things? Not to mention temporary ones?

Sometimes, birthdays can just feel like normal days and that’s okay. Sometimes you just get to have humble birthdays to get you ready for those amazing, spectacular, over the top birthdays. You just don’t think of it yet at that moment but those kind of birthdays are still beautiful. It’s the simple, it’s normal. Those are the birthdays you’ll tend to forget but you should be grateful for them.

August was the month of hassle. Classes started and I loathed my schedule of the sem. It was my first time having a class that ended at 7:30. I am nocturnal but I ain’t meant for the graveyard shift in school. Anyway, when I got used to my 7:30 sched, it was a lot of fun. I remember one time during a typhoon, and classes were already suspended the day after, I stopped to look around before crossing the street. The night market people were still setting up and it was foggy. And the wind was really strong. I thought to myself, I kept complaining about my 7:30 class and my bad sched but some people have to quit school just for their families to eat. And some people have to keep working even if there was a typhoon approaching just so they can eat. The thought of me being ungrateful and unreasonable just struck me on the way home.

September was the prelude to a nightmare. Though there were times I was lucky to not have classes due to typhoons, GURL, thesis shookt me. I volunteered to reformat the questionnaire and ya girl, did it wrong. Not once, not twice, but 5 times. Until I finally gave up and delegated the task to another groupmate. Groupmate succeeded or so we thought. It was already signed by our adviser so we all just needed to sign the questionnaire so we could float. Lo and behold, groupmate #2’s name was not there. YA GURL had to find a way to insert her name without redoing the entire process of editing-printing-signing again. Life hack: School libraries have emergency school supplies. Just ask the front desk!!!

October was the introduction of the nightmare. But like, October gave me suuuper great memories I will cherish forever and ever. I went to MNL with my Adver groupmates to shoot our tourism ad. It was the worst best decision of the year. I named it #indieegg because who woulda thought I would survive MNL (on my own) like first time no parents, no fam members, just me and 5 other acquaintances who later on became mt friends. I know I owe this kwento but let’s just get over this event briefly. And when I say briefly, I meant by bullets because by now it’s 3am of the 31st and I have to be up by 7 later.

>Left at 11:45pm, Oct 28. Arrived 5:45, Oct 29. Only had 4 hours of sleep because I had 3 exams the day of the trip.

> Commuted the whole day as in bus, jeep, grab, uber huhu soliiiddd day

> almost lost groupmates

>Became the legit leader of the group I can’t even. I just wow I’m so glad my anxiety was chill the whole trip. I took over the whole group, as in I made sure they were okay and they were in a buddy system, and that I was at the back of the line every time we had to go and walk.

>Pooped at SM Aura. Ya gurl remembered there was no bidet so she had to use wet wipes. #TMI (BOUJEE PLACE BUT NO BIDET IM DISAPPOINTED)

> Went back an hour early like our ticket was  10pm, but we were allowed to leave at 9.

> Got home at around 3am and slept until 4pm.

>Sunflower Seeds by Bryce Vine was the song of this trip.

November was the real nightmare. I actually don’t know how I got out of this month alive but I somehow did. Academic stress was just consuming me alive. It was just a whirlwind of events. There wasn’t a routine this month, which was the real adventure. It was full of deadlines though so it still needed a schedule. The highlight was going to John Hay during my 2 hour break and going back to school. It burned my wallet but hey it was fun.

December. The final one. It was waking up from the nightmare. Deadlines were over. I went home tipsy for the first time ever. I also went home at 11:30, the latest I’ve ever stayed out with friends. We also won an award for Most Liked Video on the Internet for the Ad we were working on. This year, I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit, or any holiday spirit. Idk. This is just the new normal, I guess. This is what growing up really is. I felt like I’ve grown up so much this year I don’t even know who I am. I’m not even sure who’s the Erika typing now. So sooo much has changed but I didn’t feel it until now.

Okay update I’m writing this in the afternoon of the 31st. DUDE. DUUUDE. MY LAPTOP KEPT CRASHING BECAUSE OF VEGAS PRO. I JUST WANTED TO RENDER THE VIDEO.

Okay going back. Growing up. Yes. Wow. I just grew up this year. I conquered the fear of growing up and changing. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s a great thing. I’m so glad I did that. I also conquered lots of my fears. I’m so SHOOKT. That’s the right term. I don’t know how I did it, but I just did it.

2017 was probably the year I both took a step back yet I also took a step forward. It’s like being two places at once. (OOHHH A Walk To Remember reference!!!) It really was being lowkey and getting rid of the negativity that surrounded me. I fell in love with the quote “If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” MY FACE CLEARED OUT ONCE I DID THAT. (well probs tnx to face masks) but still!!! That was what I wanted to actually feel good inside and out.

In 2017, I had to accept that life really is that way and you just have to brace yourself for whatever impact because you won’t know where you’ll land. Life is strange, it’s beautiful sometimes. It gets really tiring, but once you just accept that life really is like that, you’ll just stop controlling things. I learned how to let the moment go, where the moment goes. As in, I just went with the flow. There wasn’t a map this year nor a list to be ticked off. I just went with it to be honest. And for once, it was a great feeling. Greater that following a list and restricting myself with goals to follow.

My wish for the past years were “I hope in 2014/5/6/7, you find what you’re looking for”. It’s 2018 tomorrow, and you know what I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been looking for years. Let’s go back to good ole HIMYM. “You just have to be in the right time, at the right place”. In 2018, I wish to be in the right time, at the right place. I wish 2018 will just bring me the good things I deserve. I wish 2018 brings peace, blessings, love and happiness.

2017 made me a lot kinder. I was woke fam. I was woke and saw so many problems in the world. I felt so helpless throughout 2017 because I couldn’t help the people who were struck by calamities and tragedies. It was so heartbreaking to see so many innocent people in the world suffer. HAY. I guess what made me so tired this year was because I gave my 100% effort to help out people. Like my groupmates and friends etc. Because I wanted to show them kindness so they would show kindness to others as well. Instead of complaining and creating more negativity, I chose to be that way this year. Even if I was really reaaally tired. I still tried to help others. Also, not to be mayabang and narcissistic but I also did some random acts of kindness along the way. Not because I wanted to get something back in return, I just really wanted to keep giving. I have enough for me and yeah.

I learned in 2017 to forgive more. Forgive people even if you didn’t get the apology you deserved. Just forgive and all will be well.

This year, I also learned to be patient with people. I dealt with different types of people. Patience and understanding is key my friends. I’m so shocked I didn’t scream at anyone this year.

As much as I want this year to end, my gosh I really want this year to end, I… I’m just scared right now and really anxious of 2018. I know I said this this time last year and look at me now, I survived 2017. But I don’t know. I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year. For a moment, I just want to be with 2017 now and all of the good things it has given me, the good people I’ve met. The spotlight it has given me. But I’m leaving all the pain you have given me, all the doubts and negativity. All the hassle moments.

If I were to describe 2017 in 3 words it would be: SHOOKT, Simple, Surreal. The tweets are true. 2017 was both the best and worst year. It wasn’t 2016 worse but like yeah. YA FEEL.

But before I the clock turns midnight and you leave I just want to thank you, 2017. You were difficult to understand, you were honest, you were mindblowing but you definitely made me grow. You made me believe in myself for the first time in a long time, and you made me one tough cookie. Despite all the bad things, someday soon when I look back at 2017, I will be looking back with gratitude.

P.S. I told you even if I didn’t blog, I still documented this year in a different way.

2018, let me sparkle. I’m not quite ready but okay the clock will turn 12 no matter what. So ready when you are. 🚀

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope you get every good thing you’ll wish for.

ENDER14

 

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