Here’s to 2016;

I’m not sure where to begin and how to begin this, but here we go. (LITERALLY ME EVERYDAY THIS YEAR LOL)

This year, I decided to make this post different, but still with a sense of familiarity. I’m not yet ready to do a completely different year ender post. This year, I decided to skip listing the 100 things I did because of various alibies like how I’m writing this the midnight of the 31st so I don’t have time. Another one is because I feel like I achieved more than a hundred things this year that I want to keep those achievements to myself. I decided that some things shouldn’t be written down on paper or in this case, written on a blog post for the world to read. It is not because the moments I had are not worthy to be in ink, but because I don’t have the words to describe each happy, sad, wonderful, tiring, fleeting moment that 2016 has presented me.

I remember texting a friend last New Year’s Eve, telling her that this was the year. 2016 will be my year and I even joked I might get all the baes in 2016. Well, surprise. That didn’t happen.

When the year started to unfold, at first, I was like cool everything’s doing well. It’s a clean start. At least no Valentines’ Day prank this year.

By the time March/April came, the stress was intense. I was about to lose it because I thought I was gonna fail 4C and Accounting. I was worrying so much about my grades to the extent I started being selfish and unnecessarily mean to my friends and everyone around me. I wasn’t also very kind to myself those days because I felt like a complete and utter loser who chose another wrong choice. I had those thoughts again about not belonging here because I didn’t want my course in the first place.

In May, I decided I didn’t want to take up subjects during the short term because I needed to rest my brain. I was on the brink of either a breakdown or a burn out. So I took a vacay.

June and July were emotional months. This were the months that broke me the most and I always slept with a heavy yet empty heart. I filled the cracks of my heart with films.

Even on the days prior to my birthday, even on my very birthday. It continued. I felt sad, broken and lost. I remember being on the toilet seat in our hotel room, asking why was it happening to me. It was my birthday. I don’t want it to be ruined. I just want to feel happy just for once. I thought wishing to be somewhere else far far away would make me happy, but I was already somewhere else, far far away. I still felt the same.

I hyped turning 18 so much, that the minute it turned the 21st, I didn’t feel anything. I thought it was gonna be like a Cinderella moment or something straight out of a movie. But no. I was still me and I just got older.

I thought everything was gonna go my way because duh it was my birthday. But no, it still didn’t. My own 18th birthday got ruined. Until this day, I have to cringe and laugh away the pain that it wasn’t my best birthday. And again, I wish I was somewhere else. I felt like no one understood me. I felt so alone and hurt. That no one was there for me. That I kept asking why I deserved it, why it was happening to me. I felt like I will never be genuinely happy. Not even the greetings from my friends and the 52 comments greeting me a happy birthday could make up for all the things I was feeling that day.

My birth month continued that way. Constantly getting hurt, constantly asking the question why; in varieties like “why me lol”, “why not me”, “why can’t i” to cite a few.

I felt so unhappy with all the things going on in my life. I thought to myself, “Wow, maybe this is what an adult is like. Pure sadness and obligations.”

One time around August, right after I enrolled for my junior year in college. My dad asked me if I still prayed before going to bed. I was like Yeah, I do. But deep inside I felt so guilty because though I do pray, I don’t mean it. I just say the existing prayers, sometimes mumble a few words because I was getting too sleepy and just forgot about praising God, thanking Him and even saying sorry. That was the time I was so shookt.

I had the time to complain about nothing going my way, keep asking why bad things keep happening to me, but I didn’t have the time to say a proper, meaningful prayer. I realized how my faith got so weak, that I was blinded by all the obstacles, that He had to use other people as an instrument to make me realize something, to give me a wake up call.

So August came and went and so did September, and those were the months my faith was tested the most but I still succeeded to regain it back and believe again, despite the strong waves. I started praying again and decided to reconnect with Him.

October rolled around and that was the time I talked to Him, after a long long time I poured my heart out and asked different questions (back at it with the “Why’s”), and for the first time in a looong time that I felt lighter, that I could feel blood pumping throughout my system again. Like He has got my back now even though I knew he always had. I just forgot. I left temporarily without even knowing I did, only to come back to Him.

November and most of December played out well because, I have Him back in my life now. And despite some bad days for the last 2 months of this year, I know those were just little obstacles in the way. There’s a quote that says “Don’t let those little speed bumps look like mountains they try to be”.

Anyway, like what I said in the text to my friend, I claimed 2016 to be my year. Just not in the way I expected it to be.

2016 was the most staggering. It’s the year that tested me the most in terms of my faith, patience, socializing.

2016 made me realize that even if you’re in the happiest place on earth, you could still feel the sadness radiating from your heart.

2016 taught me that sometimes God gives you what you want to realize that it’s not what you need. And this is how I’m slowly getting rid of being materialistic and trying to work on myself more.

2016 made me all kinds of broke a couple of times. I had to beg myself to stay to stay alive. 2016 made some of my friends broken too. I went from begging myself to stay alive, to begging them to stay alive for me. I wanted them to be better but I can’t even make myself a better person. But music somehow helped them, and for that I am grateful.

Wow I didn’t intend this post to be THAT SAD. HAHAHAHAA ok moving on.

2016 gave me so many challenges and I overcame them one at a time. ONE at a time. I realized you have to finish overcoming one challenge before you start facing a new one.

2016 showed me that being right isn’t always right. If you know me, I always deem myself to be wrong in a conflict. But I saw people always proving that they’re right even if they’re not. I would rather choose being kind than being right.

2016 taught me that it is what it is. You can’t change people but you can change your perspective.

2016 made me start believing in myself. There were so many instances this year where I told myself that I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do that. But ended up doing it just for the thrill of it. And by the time I did the thing I swore on my life I couldn’t do, I felt so good about it. NTS: You got this, self.

I’ve always been a grateful person. But 2016 made me even more grateful for what I have and for what I don’t. This year, I had to trust timing. His timing. For each thing that left. there will be a time that it would be replaced with something better. But you have to wait.

Basically, I kept telling myself and to others that 2016 was such a bad year. Yeah, it was because I had so many bad days. But 2016 ain’t that bad. It gave me not only life lessons, but also some great people and memories. 2016 put me in so many wonderful places, it gave me a chance to travel again. It gave me a chance to meet new people and improve my friendship with my friends, both the new ones and the old ones.

I entered 2016 as cookie dough but I’m leaving it tonight as one tough cookie.

And I wrote a lot more paragraphs here but my laptop crashed and I’m currently using my phone (Update: I fixed it) UgH 2016 being 2016. Anyway, the only point I made there was I’m thankful 2016 didn’t turn out the way I wanted to. This year humbled me the most and literally made me so much wiser. I’m thankful for the bad days I had because it would make me appreciate the good days when they come around

Let’s all just be kind to each other in the new year. Let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s forgive everyone who has done us wrong, but most importantly let’s forgive ourselves for for doing others wrong and for not being as kind to ourselves. Let’s try new things that scare us, run away from our comfort zone and run right back.

There were good moments this year. And here’s 95 seconds of the good things 2016 gave me, the good people that made this year a little less terrible.

 

I have nothing but high hopes for 2017. With a hopeful heart and with my remaining love, with hopes for a better year and for looking forward to go to all the places and meet people, I’m bidding goodbye to 2016.

Ready when you are, 2017.  ✨

That is aall xx

ENDER14

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