I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pushed myself to write this. Weeks, months even. Just to start typing in my thoughts. I don’t exactly know where this is going but here we go (me, to every aspect of my life).
First off, I’m not writing this on the eve of my birthday just like my other birthday posts in the past because by then I’ll be out of the country. I’m writing this a few days shy of my 18th birthday. July 15 exactly. I feel like if I did this a few hours or minutes before my birthday, my thoughts would be everywhere .Just like it is today and any other normal day. I bet you, if the creative juices don’t flow I’ll just be posting this with a card that says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SELF I LOVE YOU MORE THAN KANYE LOVES KANYE”.
I tried to be creative with my birthday greeting for myself a few months back. I had the idea of capturing 2 second videos per day til I turn 18, it was a brilliant idea but I scrapped it a few weeks later because I didn’t have the time, and the phone memory to do it. I also had the idea of making a digital zine but I don’t think it’s time for that… yet. 😉 So I went back to the platform I always reach out to, especially in big moments like these. Writing. Writing was and has always been my outlet in order to express myself. This blog you’re visiting is a prime example of what writing has done to me. I’m not as dedicated to becoming a blogger/writer as I was years ago.
Okay let’s just get into the point here. I’m not going tell you the story of my life from day 1 because I don’t remember day 1. Not even day 2, or 3 and so on. I’ll let you in my life, not entirely. But a glimpse of what it was like for the past 17 years.
My childhood is just one big blur now. It’s like a montage of moments; moments I’m not entirely sure if it happened or I just imagined happening through stories and fragments of time my brain chose to not keep.I often speak about my childhood telling people how magestic it was, how happy and full of life and hope I was, about how I didn’t care how I looked because I always looked cute, even with just a chocolate stained white sando and diapers (that was my signature ootd).
I try to avoid speaking about my childhood nowadays, especially after that little reunion I had with some relatives a few months ago. I feel like most of my family, the ones that I rarely see are stuck in this time frame where I’m still 3 or 4, I’m still “Ika”/”Coy”, I still am deep inside, somewhere buried in my non-existent heart, I’m still that little girl they used to know but they don’t know ME anymore, like 17 year old me. Get it??? And I don’t think they want to anymore because they have their own lives now, and I have mine. I’ve gotten through most of my life without their ~presence~ so maybe I’ll get through another chapter without them… So. Um. Yeah. (hugot pa more, drama pa more). That’s one of the reasons why I don’t really talk about my family in my blog, because I don’t have any recent memories of them either. Another reason is because it’s something I just want to keep private so you have to know me personally before I make “kwento” about them. Actually I think this is the first time I talked about them in this blog. I mean my parents occasionally pop up in my posts once in awhile, and I do have a good relationship with them. But I’m refferring to my other family members. Okay I think they got the promo already so enough of them, back to me.
Duuude I don’t even know where to go with this next. HAHAHA. The teenage years, maybe? If you’ve been reading my blog since 2011, you’ve probably read stories from high school. Some of them are already private because of the cringe-worthiness of it. If you’re new and you ask me to make it public again, I’d say no. You wouldn’t even relate to half of it because it was too personal. Too highschool. HAHAHA.
Anyway, the teenage years, as depicted by movies and books, these are the years you’re supposed to have fun and be as reckless as you want to be. And that’s actually true. I didn’t have a perfect teenage life, it had drama, action, one sided romance. I had fun but my type of fun.
What you’re about to read ahead will be a little dramatic and this could trigger some of you. So if you don’t want any of that stuff, please skip the next two paragraphs. I spent about 40% of my teenage years just being a sad potato. I had happy moments, don’t get me wrong. But life just got in the way somehow and it brought what I always thought were depression and anxiety. One of these days or a few years from now maybe, I hope I’ll get myself checked out because I just want to clear what really is wrong with me. I don’t want to keep self diagnosing myself. I want to be sure. I just want to help myself to be who I always wanted to be and checking my mental health will be a huuuge part of it. I never really threw this topic in the real world with real people, especially with the ones I know because I don’t want to get treated differently or I don’t want them to think that I’m just seeking for some sympathy and attention.
I’m not ashamed that I suffer from depression and anxiety. But I’m not proud of it either, especially those days when I get the “s thoughts”. I’m not depressed right now nor anxious but there were episodes of it and I hope it doesn’t visit me anymore. It’s just a really dark place to be in and I just don’t want it in my lie. Those 2 are what hindered me from living as free and as happy as I want to. I never really talked about this in my blog because if I did, maybe it would trigger something to someone and I don’t want that. I want this blog to be a happy place for you and for me and the entire human race. Instead, I talked about the other side of it, I keep talking about hope and brighter days coming. Because the thought of that for me is what keeps me going and that’s what should people who are fighting the same things think of. If you can’t handle what you’re going through please seek help.
That’s just 40% of it. What did I do for the 60% of it? Fangirl. And One Direction has been part of my teenage years and they will continue to be in my heart no matter where they land in life as a band or individually. Books and movies
Well, I didn’t expect to go that deep and that dark . HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
It’s the 24th now as I’m writing this paragraph and I just got back from Hong Kong (post about this soon). I arrived exactly 2 hours before my birthday ended. Anyway, I don’t know where to start now or how to end this because I’m already 18 and like, nothing really changed. I hyped it up too much over the past 2 years and the minute it turned midnight on the 21st, I was like “OH THIS IS IT!!!” to “Oh… that was it?”. Lelz.
But I’m really grateful for everything. For every single day, for the 6574.35958 days (+3 because it’s already the 24th HEHE) I’ve been on this planet. I am grateful to even step on the earth, to be able to breathe even though some days it’s too tiring to. I’m lifting all my gratitude and all my praises to the Lord God, because He’s the reason why I’m still here.
I don’t have a lot of “material” wishes this coming year for me. Though, I don’t have everything I want, I have all my needs and the wants I have are enough, actually even more than enough. My wishes include finally finding myself or my purpose in life, and just being emotionally, mentally, even spiritually and physically better. I generally just want to be a better person. I truly want to reconnect with my faith, not because I lost it entirely but I feel like it got a bit weak. I want to make better decisions for myself.
I want to go to places, lots of travelling and getting lost in cities. I also wish to find “you”, the love of my life. So I can come back and bring you to the places I’ve been. I just want to see the world through your bright eyes. 😉
Before I end this post, I just want to have a reminders to my 18 year old self:
💘 Stay fascinated. Stay fascinating.
💘 You are nothing but a speck of dust in the universe so stay grounded and humble.
💘 Thank your past selves no matter how stupid they were and how cringe-worthy they are now, you were once them and you wouldn’t be where you are right now without them.
💘 Thank the now version of you because she’s keeping you safe and alive.
💘 Thank the future versions of yourself in advance, they will be the ones held responsible in getting to where you want to be, whatever you want to be, someday. At the right time. The right place. With the right mind and the right heart
💘 People who mind, don’t matter. And people who don’t mind, matter.
💘 God’s plan will be always better than yours. Trust His Will. Stop rushing things, His timing is much more beautiful than yours. Always remember that.
💘 A dream is a wish your heart makes.
💘 Do it for the thrill of it 😉
💘 Keep wilding, running, jiving. Keep making it happen
💘 Find your own Wonderland, that is our main goal in life as of the moment.
With all the lessons I’ve learned and all the reminders, I guess I’m ready to end this post. Here’s to the start of brand new adventures, to concerts, to moments that would take my breath away, to discovering real good music that would be on my music library that would later serve as a bookmark just in case I want to go back to some point in my life, to continue growing up at midnight alone or with the future love of my life, to breakfast burritos at noon, to neon lights with or without my name on it.
Here’s to season 18, here’s to what the world has to offer. It’s right in front of me. I’m not entirely ready, but hit me. Hit me good.
That is aall xx